Smokescreen

Fall of EPS imminent.

Let’s take out Lasantha.

Celebrations for the fall of EPS. Crakers muting the cries of horror.

“We would have done it before if we wanted to”

What convenient timing. It’s like déjà vu back to the Premadasa days. My hope is tied up in the fact that we are more aware now, we have more tools at our disposal to spread information. There is more dissent. Hopefully enough to overcome the shrug and head waggle.

What to do?

The way forward

Back to reality. 2009.

There’s a lot to do, which as 2008 went is no surprise. The difference this year around is that I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

CIN scheduled for Feb 17th…fingers crossed that goes well at the first go.

Financials to sort out, investment funds to set up in the case the shit hits the fan in the next decade. Deals to swish. Things to let go off.

3J is taking off. A lot of facebook stalking and guerilla marketing to come.

A relaunch of the shady studio with P. More portfolios to shoot hopefully.

A big move to plan. Something that’s really scaring the shit out of me. I’m used to money, hard work but money. I’m used to convenience, instant gratification and electronics galore. Thinking of getting into a scene where money is scarce kind of scares me. I’m yet to test myself as to whether I’m that selfless.

Excitement though at the same time. Dreams of Trinco and Adams Peak swirl in my head. D is coming to SL in July and we are already planning some killer outings. There’s also the thought of being able to slip beneath those green waves and do more exploring. Getting to know people better, new people. The possibility of surprising R on his 30th in Aussie.

Like I said, 2009, fingers crossed, touch a whole forest of wood, should be a new year. A new experience. A new start.

Let’s roll.

Abyss

Listening to Abyss by Karsh Kale and Anoushka Shankar.

As usual I’m the only one up. Everyone is either deep in a morass of sleep or drunkenness. I’m the only one with a ticking mind, the alcohol wasting through my system. 8.20 am, a brilliant night out with a bunch of friends celebrating the birthday of someone I thought was one of the most important in my life, yet all I felt when you were around was tension and unhappiness. I was truly enjoying myself when you were not there, ironic if I have ever lived the word.

I always thought it would be you. The same disfunctionalality, the same depths, the same scarred hurt carried through into ambition and a desire to succeed.

The 3rd of January, 2009. It has been a long road, but one that I have finally, after many false ends and hopes, decided to come to the end off. I always thought it would be you and this truly hurts to know that it won’t. I’ve had this grandiose speech in my head for a long time about what you mean to me and I meant to deliver it on the beach that I call home when the moment was right…but now I guess it will never be. I have had enough of the struggle, the fight. It is not the competition, I can deal with that. But I can’t deal with the ambiguity, the half suggestions never quite fulfilled. What goes on in your head is not a mystery to me, but trying to find a way in is.

I have enough to deal with in life, new starts, fresh starts and horizons. I need to be sure of myself to survive and not have to deal with another’s conflictedness, fears and insecurities. I never thought when I came down that it would end like this, you in a room a few feet away but for all that it is worth you could be the 10,000 miles away that you were for the last six months.

Today I move on, as R has pointed out as his favourite quote for the holiday, ‘these things happen.’ This is the only sour note in what has been an amazing three weeks but there’s no escaping it. The only regret I have is that I lied. I told you that you would always be my friend no matter what happened. As I sit here with the early morning sun in my face, the alcohol wasting through my system, I know that is not true. And I hate lying. There is no way I can be around you, there will always be that half hope, that glimmer of something happening and it will always be a false one. I’m someone who values my friends and has certain standards as to how I treat them. I hold my friends to the same standards while making allowable concessions. How you were this holiday just didn’t make it, I know what your fears are and why you have them. But that still is not much of an excuse for how you made me feel. I want to give you a chance, but if I do I’m afraid I’ll keep giving you chances for the rest of my life.

So this is goodbye, something I probably will never have the courage to say to you face to face but will remain on this random binary bit of the universe. I’m sorry that so many people have let you down in your life. And I’m sorry that I’m joining them, but I just can’t see any other way. I hope for your sake you come through whatever you’re going through and become that person whom I knew over the last years, the person I was crazy about. For your sake.

I hoped, I tried, fought and dreamt, but I’m out. And I’m sorry.

Now it’s goodbye.

The good, the bad and the ugly

Well happy 2009 to the blogosphere! It surely has been an eventful and interesting end to the last year and beginning to this one.

The Good

One of the best holidays I have ever had in my life (barring one fuck-up).

5 days spent in Madiha in Matara learning to scuba dive (more on that later). The perfect break, three awesome people to hang out with, trishawing it to Dondra and bussing it to Unawatune. Sea turtles 12 meters under the sea, the perfect beach and lots of fishies. The only drawbacks were sharing a van with a pair of huggy monkeys (I know both of you are going to be reading thisJ) and ending the trip with a strange compulsion to watch My Fair Lady.

Van mates

Seeing R’s face when I walked into the Lounge to suprise him and hearing him say “bloody hell, that’s twice now!”

Hikka with the second family, snorkeling with Akks and getting stoned with the boys.

A couple of rocking nights with old and new friends at Sugar. Was called a ‘classy guy’ which almost prompted me to fall off the table I was dancing on. Hot dogs and trishaws gunning in the night.

Sights of Sigirya I had never seen before, elephants wrestling in Kaudulla and the splendored ruins of Ritigala. Sunrise over the Giritale tank. Elephant on the Habarana road. The best rice and curry in the world at the Habaran rest house.

31st night at an ocean front suite in Galle Face. PKS crying with happiness to see me. Akks and I rocking the dance floor. Having a drink with T.

The best news I have had on the way to the airport.

More good news on landing.

Most of the holiday was perfection but…

The Bad

Who else but the girl could break my trip. Now firmly the ex-oneitis, cigarette burns and fork stabbings later. Attitude and ignoring for some unfathomable reason (await a pre-written post on that). Her face when I walked into the Lounge to greet R, strangely uncertain and then blank. A trend for the rest of the holiday.

On the way to the airport:

Text –

I’m off, take care.

Phone –

Your off?
Yes…
Take care…
You too…
What’s the matter with you? Why are you acting like this?
You really don’t know? I don’t think you’re that dumb.
I don’t know…goodbye.
Goodbye.

Hello?! Hello?!
Yes?
I’ll miss you.
Ok.
Click.

It’s strange to lose a friend after three years, especially when I can’t figure out why the friendship ended. As R says ‘these things happen.’

The Ugly

I try not to snap, but K pissed me off. I pushed his head under the water and snapped. He tried to come up but I put my knee on his neck and pushed down. Luckily R saw the look in my eyes and pulled me off. I’ve only ever snapped twice in my life now…fingers crossed that won’t happen again.

It always amazes me how important and amazing my friends are too me. Which made the bitterness of what happened even harder to swallow. I miss the boys and the akkis. I miss the friendship I had with the girl, irrespective of the other possibilities. I’m glad I met a couple of new amazing people. 2009 should be interesting and bittersweet but I have hope.

Great things are afoot.

So this is Christmas

Or at least a bit after Christmas…

And what have I done?

Surely one of the most turbulent years of my life...

Lost one of the most important people in my life, one of the central pillars of my existence. And I am wandering in the darkness a bit as a result.

Learnt what it was like to be an adult, to really deal with stuff when the shit hits the fan.

Was one of the top Associates at my company, managed to garner a perfect review, a promotion and a decent pay increase.

Got to know the boys well, very well and regain my sanity a bit.

Made a couple of new, absolutely awesome friends.

Got the photo studio business running but lost steam halfway through.

Partook in far too many mind altering substances.

Went to the edge of the abyss many a time but managed to claw my way back.

Found out exactly how far I could push myself and not break.

Applied for my citizenship.

Learnt to breathe under water and became a PADI certified diver.

Went to a rave or two...or three.

And last night had my heart crushed...

What will 2009 hold? There is of course no real way to know but I hope a lot of healing, a lot of diving, a relaunch of the studio, a big move back home and a lot of good times with the family and friends that make my life worth living. Maybe you can’t have some things that at the moment seem so important in life, but I am grateful for what I have.

A happy new year to everyone out there on the world wide web. Stay safe.

Five Free

Yes, yes this is a random post…but I scored last night and I’m not really up to typing a lot. Unlike poor Darwin I am having a rather pleasant trip(s) so I decided in a fit of productivity to exercise the $5 free credit I received from Amazon MP3:

Longing, Fabric & Deepest Blue – Karsh Kale (I needed to complete Realize, a torrent that downloaded 99% but then mysteriously ceased…which for a OCD person like me has been a constant thorn in my side)

Realize – Cobie Callait (yes, an unashamedly mainstream pop song…but I keep hearin it on the radio and it’s quite catchy…also she’s pretty cute)

Broken – Lifehouse (another pop group…but I’ve always liked their stuff. In deference to the economic meltdown I thought I would buy the song instead of the entire album.)

There…another post…if slightly boring and possibly incoherent…more to hopefully come………

Insomnia

3 am - Wide awake...tick tock...tick tock....mind racing despite innumerable Advil PMs....perfect time for sleep

3 pm - Task list includes preparing LLA application burden of proof and exhibits, contacting client and getting other applications moving in light of the small victory yesterday, preparing hearing presentation, project transfers, a hundred other million things.....state of mind = ready to pass out...

Why the fuck am I always so sleepy when I shouldn't be and not sleepy when I should be....