Chemical Dependency

I feel like I should have a motherfucking PhD in this...sorry...channeling Ari Gold there  a bit. But it is a Friday night, I'm at home, having guzzled a pizza and currently two thirds of a bottle of wine wishing I had some maryjane growing on my balcony for the pickings. In my defense I worked a hell of a week and I feel like I've been gangraped by a bunch of silverbacks (more Entourage references).

A fucking week of putting out fires and getting my head bitten off in the middle of it. Add to that a distinct lack of sleep, mental angst and other shit. That I need to get on seventh heaven in order to get to sleep is causing me some concern. Grape nectar is a poor second choice, for one thing it gives me a blinding fucking headache the next morning but what to do eh? Of course a night of alcoholism, some groping and maybe a bbbj might put me to sleep. But then there's the lack of mojo, the lack of energy and the issue of the girl (as much as a dead end that is right now).

I'm fucked...

But at least I'm high...

Five questions

So it was a day (a week actually) of putting out fires and getting my head bitten off in between. And I decided to do a quiz. One to do with one of my favourite TV shows. So there I sat while paper bombs blew up around my head and did the quiz, five simple questions and this is what was spit out:

You are "Eric 'E' Murphy"!

You straddle the line between pragmatic and hopeless romantic. Too smart for your own good, you make all the right choices at the cost of never taking any risks. You could have a lot of fun being single, but you'd rather settle down with that special someone. You don't put up with anything you don't need to, and you're the quickest wit among your friends. Possibly because one of your friends is Johnny Drama.

Really??

Five questions on a facebook quiz and I get pinned better than a bunch of kooky complicated personality quizzes, aptitude tests and random astrologers down Thimbirigasaya.

Bloody awesome....

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Space Trip

I had an odd experience many moons ago, in fact many many moons ago. Of course the experience was chemically induced and involved stars flying past my eyes at an ever increasing pace. All I needed was to let go and it felt like I would have been doing a Star Child trip for eternity. Trust me the temptation was scary, whether the trip would have ended with my head crashing into the bottle of OR that was on the table at Showboat was the one thing that dissuaded me from letting go.

What was even more odd was this morning. There was definitely no chemical inducement this time and it was a different medium. It was like a scene out of a psychedelic Blue Planet, a stereoscopic view of a dolphin streaking into the depths. There were even little fish fluttering away as I streaked through the water, or rather the water streaked past me. I am a bit concerned that my subconscious was able to conjure up something so vivid and realistic that early in the morning. It was interesting though and it was...with great reluctance...that I dragged myself back due to the presence of an early morning appointment. But some things can't be put off I guess. I'm definitely putting in an application to be a cetacean in my next birth.

A subway?!

Where the palm trees? Eh?

First things first, we have a subway here in LA?! Rather unsurprisingly it doesn’t go anywhere which kind of negates the point of a subway. I could go on and on about how much I miss public transport a la the Tube, but I did choose this hole for myself. So I shall continue to marinade in exhaust fumes, oil changes and high gas prices (or maybe not so high?) and deal with the fact that daydreaming while driving is a couple of magnitude times more dangerous than when sitting on a train or a bus.

Of course its hard to avoid when you’ve been driving the same route twice a day for the last 280 odd days not to lose focus on the road. And I’m quite convinced that is what is going to kill me, daydreaming on a familiar freeway when some idiot decides to take himself out of the gene pool. I’ve already had one close escape with an errant ladder, just hope the odds keep up with me.

Anyways I digress (old habits die hard). I’m not sure what’s annoying me more, the fact that we have a one route subway in LA or the fact that the BBC correspondent ends the article with:

“And, being stuck in traffic is, after all, that much easier when the roof is down, the palm trees are swaying gently and the sun is shining brightly in your face.”

Pray do tell David Willis, where the fuck are the palm trees on the 101/405 interchange?

Sleep

Or rather lack off...I'm tired, oh so tired. I used to love sleeping and never had any problem conking off for around 10 or 12 hours. But somewhere around 2005 my dormouse genes leaked out. I've tried a number of things:
alcohol - wake up even earlier than usual, generally feeling like Arnold did a Terminator on my head. Might have something to do with my choice of drinks, wine or red bull/vodka
mary jane - actually helps but I tend to get very slow in general, which is really not helpful since I usually need to be on my game....both with my regular job and my side work.
sleeping tablets - nice when mixed with wine, but chemical dependencies really aren't my thing.

What I'm left with isn't very helpful, meditation (boring) or reading a book before bed...which is something I guess I'm going to try. Of course there's always sex....but err....that does require a bit of legwork....and given my complicated (I think) situation, not really feasible. Then again, I might try that out soon, given that the ex used to do something that used to put me to bed like a babe...though she was rarely amused by the end result.

I'm back

Right, so I'm back. The retirement lasted all of a couple of months (if that). For me the confusion needs an outlet, the million things to do, the grey areas, the love lost, found, lost again, the arguments, the sweet nothings, the backstabbings, the sunrises, the sunsets all need an outlet.

So if you thought I was emo before...be warned...you might want to place a bucket by you now. This is going to be personal, very personal. And I'm going to (try) steer clear of Sri Lankan politics or any soapboxes...well try.

So whats on my plate?

- Career: trying for a new job, as fun as this is, I think I need to move away from small projects to big ones. Still trying to think of something intelligent to say on my resume.
- PhD: I want to start one in 2010, I have an idea, its a brilliant one. I just need to sell it to a supervisor. Which of course means writing a proposal.
- Australia: where I want to do my said PhD. Where they actually give holidays...gasp...shock...horror (incidentally the 5th happiest country in the world.)
- Funding: needed for the PhD...must get my thinking hat on
- Citizenship: the only reason I've stuck it here for this long. More paperwork and applications.
- Studio: getting a business up and running is no easy task.
- The Girl: deserves a post all of its own. Suffice to say this is going to be the cause of a lot of emo posts (I wouldn't want to disappoint my fans)

That's about it. Now why the change?

Lets just say what happened at home changed me, didn't make me feel like I deserved my moniker. I'm still trying to adjust to the changes, becoming the de-facto head of a family without any of the accompanying security was not easy. It's like I'm in a pressure cooker now...and it's coming to boil...I just hope this will help vent it.

TLF had served it's purpose and had to go.

shin, shin to change.