Abyss

Listening to Abyss by Karsh Kale and Anoushka Shankar.

As usual I’m the only one up. Everyone is either deep in a morass of sleep or drunkenness. I’m the only one with a ticking mind, the alcohol wasting through my system. 8.20 am, a brilliant night out with a bunch of friends celebrating the birthday of someone I thought was one of the most important in my life, yet all I felt when you were around was tension and unhappiness. I was truly enjoying myself when you were not there, ironic if I have ever lived the word.

I always thought it would be you. The same disfunctionalality, the same depths, the same scarred hurt carried through into ambition and a desire to succeed.

The 3rd of January, 2009. It has been a long road, but one that I have finally, after many false ends and hopes, decided to come to the end off. I always thought it would be you and this truly hurts to know that it won’t. I’ve had this grandiose speech in my head for a long time about what you mean to me and I meant to deliver it on the beach that I call home when the moment was right…but now I guess it will never be. I have had enough of the struggle, the fight. It is not the competition, I can deal with that. But I can’t deal with the ambiguity, the half suggestions never quite fulfilled. What goes on in your head is not a mystery to me, but trying to find a way in is.

I have enough to deal with in life, new starts, fresh starts and horizons. I need to be sure of myself to survive and not have to deal with another’s conflictedness, fears and insecurities. I never thought when I came down that it would end like this, you in a room a few feet away but for all that it is worth you could be the 10,000 miles away that you were for the last six months.

Today I move on, as R has pointed out as his favourite quote for the holiday, ‘these things happen.’ This is the only sour note in what has been an amazing three weeks but there’s no escaping it. The only regret I have is that I lied. I told you that you would always be my friend no matter what happened. As I sit here with the early morning sun in my face, the alcohol wasting through my system, I know that is not true. And I hate lying. There is no way I can be around you, there will always be that half hope, that glimmer of something happening and it will always be a false one. I’m someone who values my friends and has certain standards as to how I treat them. I hold my friends to the same standards while making allowable concessions. How you were this holiday just didn’t make it, I know what your fears are and why you have them. But that still is not much of an excuse for how you made me feel. I want to give you a chance, but if I do I’m afraid I’ll keep giving you chances for the rest of my life.

So this is goodbye, something I probably will never have the courage to say to you face to face but will remain on this random binary bit of the universe. I’m sorry that so many people have let you down in your life. And I’m sorry that I’m joining them, but I just can’t see any other way. I hope for your sake you come through whatever you’re going through and become that person whom I knew over the last years, the person I was crazy about. For your sake.

I hoped, I tried, fought and dreamt, but I’m out. And I’m sorry.

Now it’s goodbye.