What? Really?! I can't fucking believe it. In a fit of nostalgia I checked out TLF to see how I was placed last year at this time. Imagine my surprise to read something I could have written this time around being none the wiser. I'm not sure whether to be bummed or somewhat comforted that at least this time around some things are better. There are a few normal people to hang out with (though I describe them as normal with some trepidation...hehe).
I also have a plan this time around. PhD application in the works for submittal in a couple of months. If that doesn't work out a PR application combined with a two year re-entry permit. If that fails another PhD application...if that fails...well there's always the bottle. It's somewhat of a plan, just requires pure survival for the next 10 months.
The similarities are eerie though, tragedy (though much, much more personal this time), unexpected plane rides, feelings that can't quite be extinguished no matter how much I try and push them into the back of my head. It's a bloody endless cycle of insanity and darkness. I feel broken, I'm not sure if I've felt this broken before but I know I feel broken. I want to lie down in a drugged up haze and sleep for six months. Wake up when the light at the end of the tunnel is flashing in my face. When the warm sun of home is rising, the greeny gold light and those brown eyes are in front of me. I feel broken.
Blue - On a gloomy winter morning my little girl said impatiently “Can you please switch on the sun???” And I thought of home. Where the sun switches itself on ju...
5 weeks ago