Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Endless Cycle

What? Really?! I can't fucking believe it. In a fit of nostalgia I checked out TLF to see how I was placed last year at this time. Imagine my surprise to read something I could have written this time around being none the wiser. I'm not sure whether to be bummed or somewhat comforted that at least this time around some things are better. There are a few normal people to hang out with (though I describe them as normal with some trepidation...hehe).

I also have a plan this time around. PhD application in the works for submittal in a couple of months. If that doesn't work out a PR application combined with a two year re-entry permit. If that fails another PhD application...if that fails...well there's always the bottle. It's somewhat of a plan, just requires pure survival for the next 10 months.

The similarities are eerie though, tragedy (though much, much more personal this time), unexpected plane rides, feelings that can't quite be extinguished no matter how much I try and push them into the back of my head. It's a bloody endless cycle of insanity and darkness. I feel broken, I'm not sure if I've felt this broken before but I know I feel broken. I want to lie down in a drugged up haze and sleep for six months. Wake up when the light at the end of the tunnel is flashing in my face. When the warm sun of home is rising, the greeny gold light and those brown eyes are in front of me. I feel broken.


tinylittlefascist said...

On the PhD... don't give up too early. I was enrolled to do a PhD in 2003, had funding for a year which was the Master's year, applied and failed to get more funding, left and came back to SL. Reapplied, failed to get funding.

Applied in 2007 and didn't get in. Applied again this year, and have finally managed to get a tentative foothold.

Batter the door down. The bottle most definitely helps in the process too... :)

Pink Mist said...

biiig huggggg!! oh ohhh... you call those guys normal? i'll come visit when you're tearing out the padding in your cell :D hehe.. hang in there! it'll be okay :) it has to be, you're meant to be the wise oldie who gives me life crisis advice remember :D

pissu perera said...

maybe june is like a really angsty month for you. kind of like PMS on an annual calendar :p do your boobs hurt also?

rasti said...

Having witnessed a bit of the fascist's PhD angst I must say you should do as much as you can to beat that door down, even if it means flinging all your empty arrack bottles at it :)

I get all emo and angsty around my birthday too. It's just something that people *do.* I doubt you'll ever stop!

Marisa said...


First off, thank you for your comment about the versions of Photoshop. It helped a lot.

Second, I agree with tinylittlefacist - batter the door down! Go for it. Mind you, my mother is in her 50s getting a PHd and she had to go through the same nonsense of everyone asking her "Why? Why dont' you stay at home with your husband?" and now everyone as you may now know is a bit worried that *horror, gasp* I might just continue studying AFTER Honours year is over.

Go for it. (Though I doubt you need any encouragement but still here's the cheering squad.)

*cheer cheer cheer* Good luck.

Anonymous said...

i can empathize - about feeling broken and the bottle and wanting to go to sleep.. not the strippers and the house music tho :)